Foaming At The Mouth
So the other night I decide to finally open one of two bottles of Hypnotique that I was given as part of a pretty decent party gift bag. I choose the small bottle first figuring that if I don't like the aquamarine colored potion, I can still re-gift the big bottle and give it to one of my unsuspecting liquor loving buddies.
I pour the syrupy concoction in a lowball glass and immediately notice it has the viscosity of Nyquil. I'm already turned off because as much as I love the color blue, I feel it should never, ever be on my plate or in my glass. The last time I drank something blue was probably 20 years ago when I could not get enough Bonton BBQ chips and Bodega Blue quarter waters. The chips were literally fuschia-- Red #10, Orange #3 and a smattering of Yellow #1. One dollar would get me two bags of chips and two quarter-waters-- the perfect snack serving size! Afterwards my mouth looked like a Heatherette dress with a hot pink tongue as the flouncy skirt and bright blue teeth as the accompanying feathered boa. Tre chic; tre unhealthy!
As I raise the lowball to my lips this awful chemical smell rattles my olfactory senses burning my nostrils a bit. Ew, it smells like Top Job. What the hell? I stick my index finger in the mix just getting a drop on the tip. I put it in my mouth. Yuck! It tastes like Top Job too! This can't be right. Oh my God. Someone must have tampered with this bottle. This is poison! I freak-out. Does Unik (the host of the benefit) know that someone is trying to sabotage him? I can't find his email so I leave a message for his publicist to call me back asap. I'm still freaked out as I search my Yellow Pages for the number of Poison Control. I have to alert the authorities. Someone is using toxins in Hypnotique to sicken and even kill the masses. The media has to be alerted to this crime. Oh hell, it just occurred to me, this could end up being more catastrophic than Jim Jones.
As I stand in my kitchen smelling the bottle of Hypnotique, trying to see if I can determine whether it's Mop & Glo or Windex that's turned this tonic into toxin, I decide to search the label for anything out of the ordinary. I look for an expiration date cause you know, maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe this ish, which alleges to contain fruit, has just gone bad. Instead of ammonia that I thought I tasted maybe it was salmonella. Taunting death, I dip my finger back in the deadly tonic and then take a lick. Nope, this is poison fo' shizzy! But everything checks out. The bottle states "An exquisite blend of premium vodka, fine cognac, and natural tropical fruit juices." The thing is there is nothing natural about this toxic tasting elixir. I examine the cork top to see if it had been stripped or mishandled in any way when I notice a tiny clear sticker on the side of the top. As I lean in closer to read it, I literally fall back against my kitchen counter, my body spasing out. There it was in tiny blue lettering: Bubble Bath. My body is convulsing from laughter. I can't believe I almost drank bubble bath, but as you can see from the pic below the bubble bath bottle is identical to a regular pint-sized bottle of Hypnotique. Damn, all of this had me literally foaming at the mouth and thirsting over a simple night cap! From now on when I desire a drink at night, I will delight in my collection of herbal teas ...Yeah right, I'm making a Screwdriver as we speak. Good night!
Shout outs to my sister Dimitri for the title of this post and to the book Straight Up & Dirty for inspiring my own literary voice.