Urban haps of a grrrl on a mission to be a better writer, a new music master-blaster and a wonderfully brilliant razor-packing, MAC LipGlass wearing feminista...

Monday, October 06, 2008

Foaming At The Mouth

So the other night I decide to finally open one of two bottles of Hypnotique that I was given as part of a pretty decent party gift bag. I choose the small bottle first figuring that if I don't like the aquamarine colored potion, I can still re-gift the big bottle and give it to one of my unsuspecting liquor loving buddies.

I pour the syrupy concoction in a lowball glass and immediately notice it has the viscosity of Nyquil. I'm already turned off because as much as I love the color blue, I feel it should never, ever be on my plate or in my glass. The last time I drank something blue was probably 20 years ago when I could not get enough Bonton BBQ chips and Bodega Blue quarter waters. The chips were literally fuschia-- Red #10, Orange #3 and a smattering of Yellow #1. One dollar would get me two bags of chips and two quarter-waters-- the perfect snack serving size! Afterwards my mouth looked like a Heatherette dress with a hot pink tongue as the flouncy skirt and bright blue teeth as the accompanying feathered boa. Tre chic; tre unhealthy!

As I raise the lowball to my lips this awful chemical smell rattles my olfactory senses burning my nostrils a bit. Ew, it smells like Top Job. What the hell? I stick my index finger in the mix just getting a drop on the tip. I put it in my mouth. Yuck! It tastes like Top Job too! This can't be right. Oh my God. Someone must have tampered with this bottle. This is poison! I freak-out. Does Unik (the host of the benefit) know that someone is trying to sabotage him? I can't find his email so I leave a message for his publicist to call me back asap. I'm still freaked out as I search my Yellow Pages for the number of Poison Control. I have to alert the authorities. Someone is using toxins in Hypnotique to sicken and even kill the masses. The media has to be alerted to this crime. Oh hell, it just occurred to me, this could end up being more catastrophic than Jim Jones.

As I stand in my kitchen smelling the bottle of Hypnotique, trying to see if I can determine whether it's Mop & Glo or Windex that's turned this tonic into toxin, I decide to search the label for anything out of the ordinary. I look for an expiration date cause you know, maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe this ish, which alleges to contain fruit, has just gone bad. Instead of ammonia that I thought I tasted maybe it was salmonella. Taunting death, I dip my finger back in the deadly tonic and then take a lick. Nope, this is poison fo' shizzy! But everything checks out. The bottle states "An exquisite blend of premium vodka, fine cognac, and natural tropical fruit juices." The thing is there is nothing natural about this toxic tasting elixir. I examine the cork top to see if it had been stripped or mishandled in any way when I notice a tiny clear sticker on the side of the top. As I lean in closer to read it, I literally fall back against my kitchen counter, my body spasing out. There it was in tiny blue lettering: Bubble Bath. My body is convulsing from laughter. I can't believe I almost drank bubble bath, but as you can see from the pic below the bubble bath bottle is identical to a regular pint-sized bottle of Hypnotique. Damn, all of this had me literally foaming at the mouth and thirsting over a simple night cap! From now on when I desire a drink at night, I will delight in my collection of herbal teas ...Yeah right, I'm making a Screwdriver as we speak. Good night!



Shout outs to my sister Dimitri for the title of this post and to the book Straight Up & Dirty for inspiring my own literary voice.

5 Comments:

OpenID MoonbeamSunrise said...

ok, so I finally stopped laughing enough to tell you that this was hysterical!!

10/24/2009 2:33 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

10/27/2009 11:46 PM

 
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11/25/2009 7:21 AM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There was a very real perception that bi-racial was much worse for the white than it was for the person of color. The liberal culture, which was designed and promoted with the god's tools to achieve their Apocalyptic goals, screamed racism when there was a very reasonable explanation for this reality::::
In this white punishment known as the United States the person of color has already adopted the disfavors/temptations intended for another race. But by associating/mating with a person of color the white is newly adopting the disfavors of another culture.
And this is the reason why people of color are not welcome in the United States. The gods control everything:::The perception they want to create, the thoughts they want you to have.
People of color can't recover from absorbing the temptations from two cultures. And why they become more and more like so many blacks in America:::Veterans at absorbing the temptations of two cultures.
To further illustrate this is why California's educational system/funding was ranked #1 when California was white:::Education being the basis of the affluent economic system. Now even public higher education has become unaffordable.

Don't forget the lessons the 'ole white preacher taught:::Dancing is a sin.
The gods used the liberal tool to ridicule away so many taboos, paving the way for the decay of society and ultimately the End Times::::::
Black behavior was controlled by the KKK. Men's behavior was controlled by marriage for thousands of years.
When married by 15 men never gained the taste of promiscuity. Once the gods used the budding liberalism tool the men set the tone for the deteriorating enviornment centered around their gross disfavor.
Women's relinquishing control of pre-arranged marriage will be what costs mankind everything in The End. It's all their fault. Men are pigs, essentially just primally responsive disfavored beings who if given the freedom will abuse based on the impulses the god's push them into. Whereas under pre-arranged marriage this behavior was contained now the promiscuous fraternity house epitomizes the pinnicle of what a "real man" should be like. And sadly the women fall into line.

Ronald Reagan spent the communist block into submission with defense buildup, and in the process increased the National debt from $1 trillion in 1980 to $6 trillion when he left office.
W charged both the Iraq and Afghanistan wars to the national debt, honest numbers to come.
The gods used W to initiate the "Great Recession" with deliberate legislation/regulation changes, allowing the sub-prime fiasco and corporate irresponsibility/criminal behavior which led to the multi-trillion dollar stimulous package, pocketted by Republican friends and donors::::$5 trillion charged to the National credit card.
This corruption is one element of evil in the party of good. War mongering is another.
Damned if you do, Damned if you don't::::With the Democrats you subscribe to social decay via liberlism, which WILL lead to the Apocalypse. Republicans are being used by the gods to bankrupt the United States, ultimately motivating people to the point of "desperation prayer" once anarchy presides::::Punishment designed to correct your behavior.

The gods behave monsterously in the course of managing Planet Earth but they demand people be good if you are to have a chance to ascend in a future life.
Not only is doing the right things important (praying, attoning for your sins, thinking the right way:::accepting humility, modesty, vulnerability), so is avoiding the wrong things important as well:::"Go and sin no more".
You NEED active parents who share wisdom to have a real chance to ascend into heaven in a future life, and you MUST be a good parent as well to have that opportunity. Once your children have been raised something changes, something has been decided about you. This is exactly that.

10/17/2012 12:31 PM

 
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I have spoken YEARS ago about the importance of dolls to the favored gender, how it would teach them nurturing, love, compassion. In the 50s, with the advent of a new doll named Barbie, this shifted from positivie values to more superficial values like appearance.
They need to change the Man in the Moon clue to appear more demonic.

The gods intent to punish our excess and waste ofo resources as our lifestyle, sourced in from foreign countries without enviornmental regulations, are treating Planet Earth like a toxic cesspool, one we have to remain in, continually reincarnated until we fix our ever-intensifying disfavor and fianlly ascend with our purity and innocence.

3/27/2014 3:45 PM

 

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