Urban haps of a grrrl on a mission to be a better writer, a new music master-blaster and a wonderfully brilliant razor-packing, MAC LipGlass wearing feminista...

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Lingering Father's Day Thoughts

I didn't want to blog about Father's Day, but these last few days all I seem to think about is my daddy and it's causing me to have major writer's block. I don't know why I didn't want to write about my father. Well actually I do. There are a ton of reasons and the underlying theme is that it's a personal thing. As many of you know my dad just transitioned last year and writing about it could be cathartic or it could be like scratching a newly formed scab. The not knowing has been reason enough, at least up to now, to keep my thoughts to myself. Well anyway every time I talk about my dad and how much I love him and why I credit him for most of my hotness folk say I should write about our relationship (Right Danyel? Happy Tate?) So this is what I gots to say about me and my dad-- Cornelius "Kurt" Moore.

Because of him or should I say, road-trippin with him to Cleveland or Trenton in his silver gray Toronado Oldsmobile, I knew about green anti-freeze before I knew about Tampax Tampons. I could check the oil in his car long before I signed my first check.

Because of my father I knew as much about Miles Davis, Isaac Hayes and Lou Rawls as I did about Michael Jackson, Prince and New Edition and loved them all with equal fervor. I'll never forget the first time he played Cristo Redentor for me and my sister. We were young teenagers at the time. The sound of that mournful chorus and Donald Byrd’s trumpet would thickly flow through the four speakers in the living and dining rooms and fill our home like warm lava. My sister and I would sit back quietly absorbing it all. Today it is easily my most favorite jazz song of all time. As a matter of fact when he was at his most grave state and not conscious, I would play this song and James Brown’s "It's a Man's World." His eyes would be closed but he would squeeze my hand almost every time. Because of my dad's sensitive nature and extremely fragile state at the time, it was a family decision not to inform him of James Brown's transition. His love for James was that serious. I went to the Apollo the night of James' memorial and stood outside on behalf of my dad. Don't think I ever told him though. Yeah my dad gave my sister and I a Jedi's education in jazz and soul.

Because of him I am a sports fanatic. I know a great deal about the Knicks and the Jets and the Mets and the Yankees-- Reggie Jackson, Mookie Wilson, Darryl Strawberry, Dwight Gooden, Patrick Ewing, these dudes were fixtures in my house-- if not on the tv, then in one of our fiery conversations or in some crazy bet between him and my Aunt Ann. My dad loved them all, but the Yankees were his absolute favorite team. Dang I even had my first taste of liquor with my pops watching a Yankees game. I had to be about nine or ten. He asked me to go to the fridge and get him a beer. A cold Miller or Budweiser, of course. He opened the can, took a sip and exhaled "aaahhh." I stood there watching it all-- amused, amazed and curious. I asked to take a sip. He said okay, "but a small one." With a quickness I turned that frigid aluminum can over into my mouth and tried to take the biggest gulp ever. It was good. I wanted more, but he said not this time. I told my sister and this somehow became our little ritual—watch baseball with daddy and we’d get a sip of his beer (maybe two if the Yankees or Mets were ahead). It was funny to us and so cool that daddy would let us taste what we knew was a grown-up drink. Besides we already had moms on lock in the morning with our requests for some of her "coffee-milk" and now we had Bud on Sunday afternoons with daddy. My sister and I, twirling around my dad's chair making ourselves dizzy playing like we were drunk, had a wonderful childhood.

Because of daddy, I am a complete woman. I don't feel like I need to have a man, nor have I ever, to complete me or make me. It's certainly nice to be in a relationship, but my daddy loved his girls and gave us so much of himself that there is no void in terms of needing male validation. From the lil Valentine hearts he would give us filled with Brach chocolates on Valentine's Day to him helping me into the bath after major surgery just eight years ago he was always there with goodies, with jokes, and with a helping hand.

Yep because of him I'm better. My dad made me a better individual (my mom too). So this is why I'm hot. This is why I'm hot! Thanks daddy... you are my original hotness.

For Ayo & Lori.

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Blogger sharon said...

I've been musing about my Dad too, I feel ya. That is a wonderful tribute to yours and reminder of the importance of fathers in their childrens lives. Props to the single moms who hold it down, but brothers, nurture, not just create your seed.

6/20/2008 6:06 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo, Nicole! We all stand on the shoulders of giants. We can only hope that someday, our children will happily stand on ours.

6/21/2008 10:21 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's a perfect example of what a father daughter relationship should be about.
The two of you obviously have a beautiful one and I use present tense because it lives on in all that you are and all that you will be.
Much respect to you Mr. Moore! You did really well by Nicole. You raised an amazing woman.

6/21/2008 11:34 AM

Blogger theHotness Grrrl said...

Okay I'm totally verklempt by the beautiful responses here. We hear so often how the effects of absentee fatherhood impact boys, but I feel like not enough is said about the benefits of great fatherhood in the lives of girls. Thank you for feeling me on this one!

6/22/2008 5:51 PM

Blogger shannon ah said...

Nicole, this has GOT to be one of the BEST expressions of love - BLACK LOVE - I have ever read. Thank you.

6/23/2008 9:28 AM

Blogger theHotness Grrrl said...

Thank you Shannon!

Rob: I meant to say before how right on point you were for fusing my thoughts with our current responsibility to the next generation.

Bilqis: Yes grrrl! I always speak in the present tense about him.

6/23/2008 12:50 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cheers, Nicole! Thank you so much for this. When I think of all our strong fathers who have left us their strength, knowledge and spirituality, I recall the words written so eloquently by Dr. Angelou: And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.

7/07/2008 6:32 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Warm and wonderful.

7/09/2008 8:48 PM

Blogger Lala said...

So beautiful your relationship with your father and how ironic I would come across it today on mom;s day :)

5/11/2009 12:35 AM


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